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Boiiis just wanna be swole

Boiiis just wanna be swole

I want to offer all my skinny boiiiis out there the simplest, most straight forward and effective advice on how to add some thick, masculine, glorious musculature to your frame.

If you weigh under 80kg this is the most important thing you can do (because until then you are not considered an adult). Also growing out of clothing, getting thick and being able to throw your girlfriend around is crazy fun.

And if you don’t have a girlfriend you definitely 100% will after this program.

You can get bigger and add more muscle using machine weights at the gym and drinking all the protein powders but this would be missing the point. The point is that big muscles are a by-product of work capacity. Having work capacity means being useful. Having work capacity means that if your girlfriend twists her ankle 3km into a bush walk you can carry her to safety. Having work capacity means carrying your neighbour’s fridge up the stairs or protecting an old lady from a vicious stray dog on the mean streets by lifting her above your head.

Work capacity means you’re a useful man; not an apologetic soyboy.

Embrace it.

The world needs more of us.

Start here: squats, military press, dips, pull ups, push ups, deadlifts and anything to do with a kettlebell or loaded carries.

This can be done in many different ways but for simplicity’s sake I’m going to keep it in a simple four day program.


  • Deep back squat 5x5.
  • Superset with kettlebell military press 5x5. For the military press hold the lockout at the top for two seconds for extra stability and flexibility (insert photos)
  • Chin ups for 10x3. For this follow a clock and do three reps on the minute every minute.
  • Finish with 3 sets of 30 kettlebell swings (insert photo)


  • Deep front squats for 5x5 sets, dips for 5x5 and pull ups for 5x5 done in a circuit fashion (do the squats, then dips, then pull ups and repeat for five rounds)(insert photos)
  • Deadlifts for 5x3(insert photo)
  • Kettlebell snatches for 3x20 each side



  • Back squats 4x10 superset with military press for 4x8
  • Chin ups for 10x3
  • Finish with a circuit of 20 reps of jumping lunges and 15 push ups for 3 sets without stopping.


  • Deep front squats for 5x3, dips for 5x5 and pull ups for 5x5 done in a circuit fashion (do the squats, then dips, then pull ups and repeat for five rounds)
  • Deadlifts for 5x3
  • Kettlebell snatches for 8 minutes non stop (follow a timer and swap hands as needed)

All you really need to do outside of training is eat enough and sleep enough. You need to eat 3000 calories at minimum. There are little things to tweak it with, like eating something high GI(sugary) straight after training, making sure you eat enough protein and adding more calories (like butter and olive oil) to your meals. Eating sugar increases insulin (and that’s bad), but straight after training it’ll help build muscles.

People try to complicate the shit out of nutrition. It might be a little more complicated for losing weight but it isn’t for gaining. If you want to do it the healthy way just eat a shit tonne of fruits and veg and make a special effort to get extra omega 3 fats into your diet (chia seeds, flaxseeds, fish).

Don’t waste your time with protein shakes. Put in the effort. Eat like a carnivorous human. Simple. But effectively swole.

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